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Sunday, May 29, 2011


As Ben was walking away after informing me of Lolo D’s whereabouts, I couldn’t help but notice his well-built body. Ben is Lolo D’s nephew from his youngest brother that lives under the main house. He obviously came out of the shower when I saw him over the window and didn’t notice him as I’m noticing him then when he helped me carry our bags in our room. As he entered the door, I noticed the spaces on the wooden floor where I could see the rooms downstairs. I got down on all four on the floor and followed Ben what he was doing and saw him faced the mirror and combed his hair, I realized he was fairly handsome with his curly short hair and almost perfect pointed nose. Then he proceeded on going to what I guessed his room, which was directly under the receiving room.  I felt excited in a different way.

Peeping through a hole of the floor, after Ben closed his door, my jaws dropped when I saw him pulling off the towel on his waist and exposed his dick. Completely different of what I felt last night when I saw Lolo D’s hard dick, where I felt disgust, seeing Ben’s manhood made my own dick hard. While facing another mirror in his room, Ben rubbed his dick with his towel to dry it off which maybe the reason that got it in a semi erect state. He then threw his towel on his bed and stroked a posed like a bold male star in a photo shoot. Ben really looked handsome and masculine while doing his make believe poses.

I got off my peeping position when Ben finally dressed up, went back to our room, and again felt ashamed and guilty of what I just did. Peeping on a naked boy and got sexually excited seeing a dick, I learn from my friends in school, is only felt by gay people. Questions then were formed in my mind: Am I going gay? Were the things Lolo D did to me were affecting my sexuality? Did he infect me of his being gay because I enjoyed what he did to my body?

It kept on in my head on our way back home, even until we arrived. An aunt even asked me if enjoyed our vacation because I was overly quiet since we got home. It just went away when I started high school, but the “visits” of Lolo D in my room at night didn’t stop. Shame and fear overcomes my hatred and anger to this man and as it continued I slowly liked it. I could not stop him from coming in my room, again…, and again. For the longest time I just kept quiet and suppressed all this things at the back of my mind.

Every other night I will hear Lolo D knocking on my door but despite of my knowledge of what will happen, I will still opened it and allowed him to do the same routine he did the first time he came in my room, even until I entered the seminary, which confused me more. But the lessons in the seminary opened my mind on the fact that I was actually being sexually abused by this person who my family trusted. From that time on, I resisted on Lolo D’s advancements and got back the courage that I lost together with my adolescence, to tell him that if he will not stop I will tell on him and I’ll not be afraid this time. Like a miracle, he stopped knocking on my door at night but the worst is just to come.

The worst memory I have with this vicious cycle was when I went out of the seminary and continued my college education in Manila. My father was not able to send his monthly remittance for my tuition fee and Lola B was already sick that time and the people that I thought could help, either was also short of cash or didn’t care at all, the only person that could help me was Lolo D.

Me: Lolo D, can you help me with my problem

Lolo D: Cut out to the chase, what do you need?

Me: Can you please lend me some money so that I can my tuition fee. My final exam is coming up and the promissory note I signed has already reached its due date.

Lolo D: How much do you need?

Me: Five thousand pesos

Lolo D: You very well know that I could easily give you the money if you agree to do what we used to do.

In a flash, the suppressed memories of my adolescent life came back like a exploding bomb tearing my whole body into tiny pieces. I saw my teenager-self standing in front of me with a helpless look.

Lolo D: Answer me now! Do you need the money or not?

Me: I do need the money.

Lolo D: Do you want me to give you the money?

Me: Yes, if you can.

Lolo D: Well then, go to your room and wait for me.

Those stairs going to my room was like the farthest stairs I ever climbed and stepping on each of that steps made up of thorns of solid nails. As I entered my room and sit on my bed, I could not help myself but cry.

That was the first time since the sexual abuse happened in that exact room that I cried.

When I heard those heavy knocks on my door, my body became numb, numb from the touches, kisses, and blowjobs. Even when he took my hand and made it masturbate his hideous hard tick dick, I felt nothing.

After giving me the money, he leaned and whispered in my ears that he loves me and I was his favorite but I still felt numb while trying to fixed my eyes to a neutral place on the floor, my tears soaking  it wet.

I still felt numb ten years ago when I saw him inside that white box, lifeless. I have long forgiven him of all he had done but still could feel nothing.


  1. crap. that old dirty man should die.

  2. kuyakoy! actually he already died 10 years ago..


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