WTF!

IT'S YOUR SMILE

LISTEN TO THE MUSIC THEN SCROLL DOWN TO THE PICTURES....

ENJOY!

SMILE AND THE WHOLE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU! ;D

MAHINA

Nagtataka ako at naguguluhan..

Ano ba ang nangyayari..

Humihina na yata ako.. o sadyang pa-laos na?

Dumating ang isang matalik na kaibigan namin galing Dubai..

Sabayan pa ng birthday ng "favorite godson" ko na anak ng bestfriend ko..

Lunch time ang usapan..nagpasabi si kaibigang galing dubai na male-late sila ng dating ng kanyang kapatid na doktora..

So napag-kasunduan namin ng papa ni Bff na simulan na namin ang tagayan..

Tanong: Anong gusto mong inumin?

Sagot: San Mig na lang, may pasok kasi bukas (usually kasi pulang kabayo ang toma namin)

Bumili ng kalahati muna...nomnom na..one on one si Papa ni BFF..bote-bote lang..gawain na namin yun..

kwentuhan..tawanan..

Naubos ang kalahati..bili uli ng kalahati..wala pa si kaibigan..

Nomnom..kwentuhan..tawanan..

Dumating na sa wakas si kaibigan galing Dubai kasama si kapatid na Doktora..

Ubos na ang San Mig lights..bili pa uli..pang isa't kalahating case na namin..kasama na si kaibigang balikbayan sa ikot. Kwentuhan. Tawanan. Kainan. Naubos na ang inumin, nagpaalam na ako, may pasok pa kasi kinabukasan.

At kinabukasan..

Ang sakit ng ulo, nahihilo, naduduwal..

buntis?

ay hindi naman siguro. Nakakabuntis na ba ang kamay? Choz!

San Mig lights lang yun, bakit ganito ang feeling ko, ang sama! Humihina na ba ako sa tomaan?

Malalaman sa mga sumusunod na araw.

ESKAPO

As usual, it was a busy day in school...Celebrating the culmination of "Buwan ng Wika", I was manning the gates, and having the eagle eyes for students trying to escape the festivities..that's my job..sorry kids..

I was also waiting for some visitors from Manila that scheduled a pictorial that will feature some of our student leaders in their magazine, while the boss inquires once in a while, the whereabouts of the students concern.

When the program ended the visitors came and apologetic for coming late and was not able to take pictures of the program. After some welcome snacks I toured them around our town's beautiful church which is only beside our school, the visitors where also scouting for a beautiful spot to take the pictures. While waiting on them, I remembered my mobile-phone in my office, excused myself to check my messages. 

6 missed calls

4 messages

all coming from my bff. Thinking that it might be serious, I immediately called her up.

Me: Ano na teh? May bisita kasi..

BFF: Daanan kita, alis tayo..

Me: Ha?! Ano ka ba, 3 hours pa bago mag-uwian..May problema ba?

BFF: Lokah! Wala..sige na daanan kita..mag-paalam ka na lang sa boss mo.

Me: Sige..sige..after an hour..mag-iisip muna ako..

Sus! Akala ko kung ako na..Anong gagawin ko? sasama o hindi?

SASAMA!!! 

tindi..demonyito lang..

patapos na naman ang araw.. at wala na akong klase..pano mga bisita? tapos na ang pictorial, kailangan na lang ng names, dali-dali akong nag-type ..print..habang tumatakbo ang utak ko sa idadahilan ko kay bosing para maka-eskapu.

Kung gagawa ng krimen, kahit madalian, kailangan malinis, walang huli..

Nang-pumasok ako sa office ni bosing para ibigay ang mga names ng mga bata na kasama sa pictorial, andun mga bisita, snacks uli. Naalala ko yung nabasa ko nung High School pa ako, kung gusto mong mag-paalam o humingi ng pera sa magulang, itaon mong busy, para oo lang ng oo sa mg sasabihin mo.Kaya ganun ginawa ko, habang busy si bosing sa pagiging good host, sinabayan ko ng paalam na may emergency lang at kailangan kong mag-undertime. Pumayag! Jackpot!

Dali-dali akong lumabas ng office, pumunta sa office ko, kinuha ang gamit, bilis-bilis tumalilis walang lingon-lingon! kahit may tumatawag, dedma! parang walang narinig.

Nakita ko na ang caru ni bff..pasok..fly! Tawa ng tawa si bff..bilis-bilis daw ako sa paglakad. Parang may pinagtataguan lang. 

Hay! Sa ngalan ng kaibigan gustong gumala..magsisinungaling at gagawin ang lahat para siya'y samahan lang!

Pak! ;D

Buhay na talaga uli ang Demonyito! Bwahahaha!

4 THINGS..

4 Things I need to spend more time on in my life:
1. Exercise, I'm still way too far on my target weight.
2. Save some money. I have been spending like hell.
3. Eating less but not eating the right healthy food.
4. Have my house fixed and put up a fence around it.

4 Things I need to spend less time on in my life:
1. In my room.
2. Day dreaming.
3. Thinking of getting old alone.
4. In front of the computer.

4 Things I wish I could spend more time on in my life:
1. Travelling and seeing the world!
2. Demonyitong Promdi, you know I love you guys a lot!
3. My family and best friends and my dog, they are my life.
4. Reading good books.

4 Things I love about myself:
1. My ability to love.
2. My ability to listen to somebody without judging him or her.
3. My creative and humorous mind.
4. Myself! I was Born This Way baby!

4 Things I hate about myself:
1. My nose.
2. My balding head.
3. My chubby built.
4. My emotional Piscean personalty.

4 Things I love that I used to hate:
1. Teaching.
2. Reading.
3. Gay friends.
4. Lady Gaga.

4 Things I hate that I used to love:
1. Smoking.
2. Eating.
3. Gossip.
4. Twitter, I just don't have the luxury of time for it.

4 Things I look forward to:
1. Sex. Who doesn't?
2. Hanging out with friends.
3. Weekends and/or holiday.
4. Updating Demonyitong Promdi.

4 Things I dread:
1. Confrontation.
2. Rejection.
3. Senseless conversation.
4. No one will take care of me at my old age.

4 Things I once believed in but no longer do:
1. I'm bi.
2. Wife.
3. I'll win a Lotto jackpot prize.
4. I can work abroad.

4 Things I believe in that I didn't use to:
1. I could still find friends like…You!
2. Being gay is okay.
3. Exercise.
4. Taking care of my health.

4 Things I love to do but I'm bad at:
1. Writing.
2. Be silent.
3. Be modest.
4. Playing a musical instrument.

4 Things I hate to do but I'm good at:
1. Teaching.
2. Planning Events.
3. Be involve.
4. Telling lies.

4 Things I did that I'm ashamed of:
1. I’ve watched too much porn.
2. I lied a lot when I was young.
3. Not going back to work after a meeting.
4. I took advantage of drunken friends.

4 Things I did that I'm proud of:
1. Demonyitong Promdi.
2. Started losing the extra weight!
3. Teaching for 15 years.
4. Supporting my nieces.

4 Things I didn't do that I regret:
1. Don't
2. Live
3. Yourself in
4. Regret

4 Things I want before I die:
1. Kids.
2. A partner.
3. Happiness.
4. Good Life.

POSE

CAPTION THIS..

salamat sa Hay! Men! Ang blog ng mga tunay na lalaki para sa picture.. ;D

LATE BLOMMER

I’M BACK MGA ATEH! And I missed you all so much! Grabeycious talaga! ;D

Dami ko lang talaga lang ginagawa, ewan ko nga ba kung bakit nagkapatong-patong ang Gawain ko sa work, parang efficient na titser lang talaga. Choz! Lesson plan dito, Iskul activities dito, doon training dito, doon, alalay ng mga baytamins sa training nila dito, doon.. buti na lang sa pag-alalay sa mga baytamins e hindi natuloy ang pag-trekking naming sa bundok na ke taas-taas, dahil sa walang humpay na pag-ulan. Tenks gudnesh!

Pero ang isang enjoy ako, e nung nautusan akong pumunta ng Divisoria. Stress reliever ko kaya ang bumili ng mga bagay-bagay, which may not necessarily mean na aking pera ang ginagasatos, kaya mas okay yun. Ang di ko lang gusto e dapat mag commute ako dahil di available ang mga caru at vanu ng mga utaw.

The day ng aking pag gora sa Divi, na late ako ng gising, kasi minsan lang mangyari yun na walang pasok sa aking iskul, kaya may I patay my alarm clock. E bukod sa Divi, I have to pass by my favorite Glorrieta to buy something na makakatulong sa aking pagpapayat.  Kaya nung magising ako, nagmamadali ang ateh mo, buti na lang di masyadong maulan nung araw na yun.

But I notice something new or different in how I look at people that day. From Magallanes I have to take the MRT on my way to Ayala and then from the station to the shop where I am supposed to buy something. To the shop I have to go back to the MRT station and ride a train to EDSA station, from there I have to buy a ticket and transfer to LRT line 1 and ride the train again to Doroteo Jose, then a jeepney to Divisoria.

With all that travel time, I noticed that I was regularly checking out men: young, middle aged, thin, buffed, cute, fahionista. Datirati naman di naman ako ganun makatingin sa mga kapwa ko lalaki. Yes I check them out, yung mga kakaiba sa tingin at panlasa ko at saglit lang yun. Yun bang di halata, masakit kayang majombag ng bonggang bongga. Pero iba na ngayun, di lang ako sight.. I was already staring as in nakababad. Nagulat lang talaga ako. When I was refelecting kung bakit ganun, naisip ko na nagsimula ang lahat ng ito nung simulan ko ang blog kong ito. I met friends and people who feel what I feel, talk the way I talk and think the way I think.  And I felt at ease.

A few months ago, I wrote an email of thanks to Mcvie, one of the most fabulous fabcasters I ever heard. When he answered my email, he opened it with ‘Ano ba BAKLA! Okay lang yun!’ honestly I was taken aback; I was not used in being called bakla, discreet chuvaness nga kasi ako mga ateh. Pamintang buo, durog, crystallized, powdered, solidified at kung anek, anek pa, AKO YUN. I do not need to defend my decision to treat my sexually this way. But reflecting on it a little more, my ‘devilish promdi soul’ somewhat made me realize that I need to reconcile my bakla soul with my manly soul. “Mag-usap kayong dalawa, sino ba talaga ang makapangyarihan ikaw na babae ang hanap o ikaw na kapwa ko mahal ko.” Until these two souls make up who’s whom, I will remain the Demonyito lurking in the stillness of the night. Choz!

A friend’s daughter turned 18 recently and all of the old friends where invited for a simple dinner and some drinks. Syempre di mawawala ang tsismis, probinsya kaya ito teh. Kung sinong wala syang topic, at napausapan ang isang konsehal ng bayan naming na kaibigan din naman naming na halata naming beki, kaya lang di umamamin. Then napunta ang usapan sa gobernador naming na dating artista na nag survey daw sa bayan naming kung ilan ang beki at sabi ng kasamahang beki nasa 300 lang daw ang nagpalista, at sa gulat ng marami bigla akong sumingit ng ganito:

Ako: ‘At yung mga paminta as of this afternoon ay 3, 400 na ang count.’
Tawanan ang lahat ng may nag-tanong:
Kaibigan sa akin: ‘Bakot mo alam?’
Ako: Kasi ako yung huling pumirma!
Tawanan uli

Bigla akong nabigla at natanong sa sarili: Nasabi ko yun? Dati rati naiinis ako sa mga ganung comment kahit di ako ang concern. I am changing.

Sabi ko nga noon, I am taking my time, baby steps with pointed toes! Ching! I am slowly accepting who I really am. I don’t need to shout to high heavens about my true sexuality or even explain myself because as far as I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation. My life, my sexuality, my preference, my soul.

And lastly, my ‘gaydar’ also seems to have leveled up. Andami kong naamoy sa mga nakakasalubong ko na, kapareho ko yata ang pabango. Choz! Lalo na nung nasa Glorietta ako, dati naman ang napapansin ko lang e yung mga effem talaga, pero ngayon kahit yung mga kalahi ko na paminta naamoy ko na, bahing nga ako ng bahing! Hihihi ;D

Nice to be back mga kumare! I hope you’re happy than I am! Choz ;D

SIGN

ENOUGH SAID.....THE SIGN SAYS IT ALL

pak! ;D

THE TRUTH

hurts...

I have been reading a lot of blog posts that runs with the same topic:

Heart breaks, heart aches..

Wilberchie's World...

Journey of a Buendia boy...

Dark Night..

A relationship they all thought will last forever ended in tears. If a "normal" hetero breakup hurts, what more for PLU's. twice? thrice? or also forever?

Except for a few chosen ones, there are few homosexual relationships that lasts. I don't want to sound so negative but I think that's the truth that we all have to face. I have long accepted that fact. 

That I will be alone.


I've seen this short film from http://walangtruelove.blogspot.com that somehow summarizes things up..

SEVEN CAPITAL SINS: GREED (2)

I should be jumping for joy when my pay envelop was handed to me the other day because I got a raised!

Pero wala lang, dahil kulang pa rin.

Lagi na lang ganito pag sweldo, imbis na ngumiti, parang lalong lumalaki problema. No effect na nga rin yata yung convincing mantra ko na:

Okay lang na maliit ang sweldo dahil nakakabayad ka pa sa mga utang mo, hindi katulad ng iba, walang sweldo.

at ito pa isa:

Pasalamat ka sa trabaho mo kasi marami ang gustong nasa lugar mo na walang trabaho o kundi kaya ang trabaho ay magkalkal ng basura! 

Ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi kung umasta ako sa pag-gastos nung nakaraang summer parang sweldo ng CEO ng multinational company ang tatanggapin ko. Nanaginip lang pala ako. At habang nasa panaginip akong yun, bumili ako ng hulugang 32 inches na LED TV, Desktop na pamalit sa aking jurassic na Computer set, yung running shoes ko na binili kay papalicious salesman sa Nike MOA at lately dahil naisip ko na kailangan sabay ang pagpapaganda ng katawan ang pagpapaganda ng mukha may kinuha akong package sa isang skin specialist. 

O di ba ang gastos! kaya ngayon problemado Lola mo! sus! 

Not to mention the basic bills I have to pay: MERALCO, SMART Gold, SMART Bro, Cable, Amortization sa lupa,  at tuition fee ng mga pamangkin ko! Nag-aaral pa ako niyan ha..

Pano pa ba naman ako makakahada di ba? Wala na. Kaya may kalyo na kamay ko! the left and the right! 

choz! ;D

At alam ko na ang sasabihin mo: Live within your means!

Teh, you don't have to tell me that, because all my life I have been living within my means. Nakakalimot lang pa minsan-minsan. Bakit? Wala na ba akong karapatan na mabili ang gusto ko at hindi na lang puro ukay-ukay. Wala na ba akong karapatang lumigaya! Ayoko ng putik! Ayoko ng masikip!

choz uli! ;D

Haaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssttttttttt! ang lalim nun ha..

Bahala na si Batman..Babalik na lang ako sa batcave..pero mag-window shopping muna akitch...

may ganon?! 

magkano per kilo teh? 

Natanggap ba kayo ng card?

Pakibalot na nga teh! Bilis!

pak! ;D

STRIP

Comic..that is.. ;D

Sometimes, in my line of work, I tend to make the same dialogue..

Me: That student of yours' is to stubborn..He's getting into my nerves!


Co-Tits': Then report him to the Discipline Office..


Me: Oh..but heeee's sooooo cuuuuttttteee!


Co-Tits': Pak! ;D






at ito pa isa...




BOY 1: pare, alm mo ba napagalitan ako sa school ko?

BOY 2: eh? bkt naman?

BOY 1: hinalikan ko kc classmate ko eh!!

BOY 2: wow, ayos ka pare, masarap ba??

BOY 1: oo naman!! alam mo ang gwapo gwapo nya!!!




pak! ;D   




Smile and the whole world smile with you!! Have a nice weekend!

SEVEN CAPITAL SINS: WRATH OR ANGER

Wrath (anger, hatred) 

Inappropriate (unrighteous) feelings of hatred and anger. Denial of the truth to others or self. Impatience or revenge outside of justice. Wishing to do evil or harm to others. Self-righteousness. Wrath is the root of murder and assault. Dante described wrath as "love of justice perverted to revenge and spite".

Everybody I know thinks that I am fearless.. some of my co-workers even became afraid of me because of my temper. There was an incident a few years back when something went wrong with my SSS contributions that rejected my loan. I was already expecting that money and when it happened, my top blew off and silently I got hold of a cartolina and continuously pounded it on my table until it was smashed into tiny pieces. When I regained composure I realized I was doing it inside our Faculty Room with my co-teachers looking at me really shocked.

Some of my students even see me as a terror teacher. When I was still new in the job, whenever a student makes mistakes I will hit on his head or stomach. My principal even hid me from an angry German father who wants to confront me because I asked his son to kneel in front of the class because he did not attend the Sunday Mass.  The student was not even Catholic. After that school year, the student was transferred out of our school.

I remember a message I got from a good looking young man in Facebook a year ago. 

Young Man: Kilala kita! (I know you!) at di ko malilimutan ang mukhang yan! (and will never forget my face) 

Me: (shocked) how do you know me and why?

Young man: You were the teacher who hit me on my head using as textbook!

Me: What?! I never did that!

Young Man: I will never forget that day, I was in Grade 4..

suddenly it dawn to me..I did do that..in another school were I was assigned to teach in Elementary.

Me: Oh...I remember now..I am very sorry, I don't have any words to say to justify my wrongdoings.

Young Man: Sir, I have long forgiven you..don't think about it.. I was just messing with your head. 

Me: Thank heavens, nothing happened to you that traumatized your childhood.

Young Man: No Sir, nothing that serious happened. I just never forgot you and that incident.

The last time I saw this young man was in website of a known photographer that specializes in sexy poses of sexy men. I think Felix is his name.

Anyway..

But truth is I am a coward, I don't like confrontations. The last time a father of a student, who I thought, understands my work in the school who we both graduated from, wanted to confront me because he thought I was picking on his son. Though the confrontation never happened,the father continued on harassing me, even calling me names and cursing me. I became depressed, because in my mind I was just doing my job. I thought of quitting and my smile faded. I became more ill-tempered and unkind, until my present Boss talked to me which leads to the creation of this blog.

With the new school year, I am also sort of in a new beginning. 

I am smiling more often now.



P.S. And I will not go far as this..

and the winner is via the putikan is.....pak! ;D

PARE

For the longest time.....YOU are the only friends I knew since I went out of the seminary and started my life like the rest of mankind.


For the longest time.... I thought YOU know who or what the real "me", because I never hid it from YOU.



For the longest time.... YOU were my drinking buddies and shared the same glass in every 'tagayan' sessions we have.


For the longest time... We shared laughters, tears, stories, life stories, fears, joys, gossips, opinions, and what-nots because our relationship is not only built on friendship but of blood and faith.


For the longest time... I thought YOU have accepted homosexuals openly because you are not part of the society that condemns and ridicule people like us.

Until that night when we gathered once again to bid a good friend goodbye on his way back to work abroad.



For the first time...I heard homophobic jokes from YOU.


For the first time... I felt like a sinner in front of a condemning mob.


For the first time...I realized that you don't even know the meaning of 'homophobic' because when I told one of you that I never thought that you are one, you answered back: Sino yun?(Who's that?)


For the first time...I realized how dumb I am not to see that your gay jokes were really offensive and hurtful.



For the first time...I felt that I was not with the family I knew and loved.



For the first time...I realized the wisdom behind our group's break up and went on separate ways.

For the first time...It became clear to me who my real friends are and who are not.

RELATIVE: EPILOGUE

According to surveys, sexual abuse can happen to anybody whatever status you have in life. Most of the time children and adolescents fell prey to manipulative persons who usually are close to them or their families. In the Philippines, if sexual or physical abuse happens with one of their family members, they tend to keep quiet about it fearing of scandalous gossip that spreads like wildfire, which adds insult to injury to the hapless victim.

What happens to the victim?

He or she is left to take care of him/herself, figure out how they can survive alone and answer questions like, “What was that sexual experience really about?” may be the most basic, which could take a while to sort out. It implies other questions, like:

• Was the other person in a position of power or authority over me?
• Was I manipulated into doing sexual things, or into believing I wanted to, even when I really didn’t?
• Did sexual activity change what had been a positive relationship into one that involved secrecy and shame?
• Was the other person using me and not really considering my experience or my needs?
• Did the other person take advantage of vulnerabilities I had at the time – feeling isolated and lonely, feeling excited and curious but ignorant about sex?

Being a victim myself, who at first could not talk to anybody because of fear, anger, sadness, shame and guilt, found myself suppressing it that led me to isolation and made me think that the only way out is to end my life. In my case feeling guilty became the heaviest cross I have to bear, because I later found out that for men who had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as boys, there can be extreme guilt about ways they responded to sexual experiences and the people involved because of the following reasons: 

• Not saying ‘no’ or physically resisting.
• ‘Letting’ another person take advantage of their sexual ignorance and curiosity.
• Becoming sexually aroused or experiencing sexual pleasure, even when they didn’t want or like what was happening.
• Having engaged in sexual activity with other children, even if they were manipulated or forced by others.
• Not protecting a brother, sister, friend, or other child from someone doing the same things to them.

And in my journey to find answers that could help reconcile the things in my life I found people who can listen, understand and sympathize with me and help me understand that: 

• "It is not now, nor has it ever been your fault!"
• Sexual abuse in any form is never the fault of a child or teenager.
• There is nothing you could possibly say, do, infer, ask for, or initiate that can remove the responsibility every adult has to protect and nurture children and teenagers.
• Despite any instruction from anyone that has abused you, protected your abuser, encouraged you to keep silent, or in any way kept the fact of your being a victim to a vile criminal act from those that can help you, realize your life and your future is not theirs to manipulate or control.
• You may feel afraid, alone, and wondering what to do or where to go. There are numerous resources that can help me cope up. 

I was lucky to find and meet these people.

Finally, to men out there who are/were a victim of sexual abuse, I encourage you to be not afraid and reach out to someone you can trust such as a teacher, relative, a friend’s family, school counselors, local law enforcement and social service agencies.

                            You are not alone and we are here to help you

RELATIVE (A Series)

PART I - APPREHENDED

PART II -QUESTIONS

PART III - A POEM
PART IV - VACATION

PART V - SLEEPING
PART VI - NUMB

PART VII – ABUSED

I have a normal life, except for the fact that I was sexually abused several times. It is only when I decided to write about it through this blog that I researched about this topic. I have never talked about my ordeals to any doctor or professional practitioner, just with a few trusted friends. I had the courage to tell the abuse for the first time to a male best friend in High School who comforted me with a story about Lola B asking him to take care and help me whenever I needed somebody to talk with. I never thought that she knew what I was going through then and never dared to tell it to her because I don’t what her to get hurt of the truth against Lolo D, but I guess all the time she knew.

I made the research to answer some questions that I started to ask after I first talked about it with a friend:

Did the sexual abuse traumatize me?

Did the sexual abuse effect me as a person?

Did it affect my sexual orientation ore preference?

Why did I feel that I enjoyed it and sometimes look forward on it to happen again?

In the research that I made on both Psychological and Medical websites, I learn of the following facts:

 "If you have been sexually abused, you are not alone. One out of three girls, and one out of seven boys, is sexually abused by the time they reach the age of eighteen." (Bass and Davis, 1988, p. 20) There is now an evolving definition of sexual abuse that takes into consideration the betrayal of trust and the power imbalance in these one-sided relationships. One such definition is: "the imposition of sexually inappropriate acts, or acts with sexual overtones ... by one or more persons who derive authority through ongoing emotional bonding with that child." (Blume, 1990, p. 4) This definition expands the traditional definition of sexual abuse by anyone who has authority or power over the child. This definition of incest includes as perpetrators: immediate/extended family members, babysitters, school teachers, scout masters, priests/ministers, etc. "Incest between an adult and a related child or adolescent is now recognized as the most prevalent form of child sexual abuse and as one with great potential for damage to the child". (Courtois, 1988, p. 12)

In the Finkelhor study, "Boys' experiences are somewhat different from girls'. They are primarily homosexual (experiences), and they less often involve family members. However, boys do seem to be victims of force and coercion just as often as girls are. Both girls and boys report that in over half the incidents some form of coercion was used." (Finkelhor, 1979, p. 143)

Many people erroneously believe that child victims of sexual abuse are always traumatized by the abuse, and overtly angry with the offender. Sometimes this could not be farther from the truth. A study made with both adult men and women who have been sexually abused as children, stated that they were not traumatized, nor did they want the offender to be incarcerated. Did the sexual abuse affect them? Of course, the study concluded, just not in a traumatic way. The abuse may have affected their boundaries, sexual interests and behaviors, trust, and sexual orientation; however, it did not traumatize them. What may traumatize them, however, is the reaction from others. For instance, if the child’s mother caught the child and offender rightfully so, goes ballistic. Within minutes, the police arrive and take the child away. In a few hours, the child is being interviewed by child protective service workers, who may be acting like something traumatic, happened. The child will then interpret the entire situation as traumatic, even if the child did not interpret the abuse, at the time, as traumatic.

The study further states that a very high degree of psychological damage can occur if the offender makes the victim feel physical pleasure during the offense(s). This will produce a level of guilt and shame that is very powerful. Moreover, the victim is less likely to disclose the abuse, and if he or she does, they are very likely to minimize it. This would be because the victim may feel partly to blame for the abuse because they experienced pleasure (this is a grooming technique). A doctor treated countless victims who, after the abuse was revealed (either through someone observing, or indirectly), did not disclose the full extent. They fear they will get in trouble for not telling themselves, and fear and shame because they experienced physical pleasure. As the victims grow older, they may be unable to process the abuse, and continue to blame both themselves as well as the offender. The shame produced can be so intense as to create suicidal idealization, a loss of "self", and self-destructive behaviors.

Victims of child sexual abuse can go on to lead normal, healthy lives. They can learn to let go of the pain, and to increase their self-awareness of how the abuse affected them. Sometimes it takes the right therapist, just the right book, or even just time.

In a study of what does a victim of sexual abuse feel, they came up with the following conclusions:

· Victims report feeling very alone with the experience of abuse. Often they are afraid of telling, because of fear of retribution or the consequences for the family.

· Victims frequently feel they will not be believed or taken seriously if they tell of what has happened, and this fear can be confirmed when they do try to raise the matter.

· Victims frequently feel guilty. The abuser may suggest they are to blame for the abuse or they may take responsibility upon themselves. Children naturally tend to assume responsibility for events that are not of their making, and this is particularly true in the case of abuse. The guilt is increased if the child has found any aspect of the abuse gratifying.

The long term effects of sexual abuse are varied. Here are some that a person might experience.

-Weight gain. When someone is sexually abused, there is often an inner desire to become invisible to others as a means of keeping oneself from getting hurt again. By gaining weight, a person puts a barrier between himself and the outside world. Deep inside there is a belief that if there is enough weight gain, nobody will.

-Promiscuity. People who have suffered sexual abuse will often have very low self-esteem. Not only that, there is a belief deep down that the only thing they have of value to offer anyone is their sexuality. This can be especially true if a family member sexually abused them. They begin to feel that if their own family cannot love them for anything other than sex, then that must be the only thing of value.

-Addictions. Another long-term effect of sexual abuse is that victims will often develop an addictive personality. Many develop food addictions, which go hand in hand with their underlying comfort at gaining weight, which serves as a protective barrier. Others develop addictions to drugs or alcohol as a means to escape the pain they still feel deep inside.

-Co-dependency. Sexual abuse victims suffer from such low self-esteem that very often they will not trust their decisions about anything. As a result, they willing give up control to others. They are easily led into doing things, whether they really agree with doing them or not.

-Abuse. Sometimes victims turn into abusers. This is common if victims grow up in families where sexual abuse is the "norm". If it is so ingrained in them, there is a possibility they may repeat the pattern because it is all they have ever known.

-No interest in sex. Some victims of sexual abuse grow up and want nothing at all to do with sex. They are so traumatized by their experiences of the past that they totally shut down their sexuality.

Knowing the long-term effects of sexual abuse is important for victims because it is very easy for them to believe they are no longer affected. It is very easy to live in denial when some of these problems are affecting one's day-to-day life. By recognizing the symptoms and realizing where they may be coming from, victims will be taking the first step toward healing. 

Discovering these things gave me a clearer picture about myself, which I did not understand before. The questions in my mind have answers after all. There is light at the end of the tunnel, all I have to do is to go to that light and embrace it with true forgiveness that gives healing and total peace of mind.  

 I PRIME MORALES, AND I AM A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND THIS IS MY STORY.

RELATIVE (A Series)

PART I - APPREHENDED

PART II -QUESTIONS

PART III - A POEM
PART IV - VACATION

PART V - SLEEPING

PART VI – NUMB

As Ben was walking away after informing me of Lolo D’s whereabouts, I couldn’t help but notice his well-built body. Ben is Lolo D’s nephew from his youngest brother that lives under the main house. He obviously came out of the shower when I saw him over the window and didn’t notice him as I’m noticing him then when he helped me carry our bags in our room. As he entered the door, I noticed the spaces on the wooden floor where I could see the rooms downstairs. I got down on all four on the floor and followed Ben what he was doing and saw him faced the mirror and combed his hair, I realized he was fairly handsome with his curly short hair and almost perfect pointed nose. Then he proceeded on going to what I guessed his room, which was directly under the receiving room.  I felt excited in a different way.

RELATIVE (A Series)

PART I - APPREHENDED

PART II -QUESTIONS

PART III - A POEM
PART IV - VACATION

PART V – SLEEPING

After dinner, I immediately excused myself and went up the second floor straight to our room. I remember I was pacing the room, thinking of the things that might happen when Lolo D comes in that big room.  After changing my clothes and fixing the bed, I closed my eyes and I laid on that bed sweating trying to figure out what I’m going to do and my mind began to race. I couldn't sleep and prayed that it be morning soon so we can go home and things would be different.

I was just dozing off when I heard heavy footsteps coming towards our room, I felt nervous but fake sleep when the door opened and felt the wind shift and a cool breeze began to blow inside the room and then heard Lolo D calling my name on which I did not respond. I then felt that he climbed the bed and lay beside me, but unlike before, I felt different. I felt scared, really scared that my body started to tremble. I tried to stop it but it continued, I guess Lolo D felt it that he covered my body with a blanket and turned his back on me. I felt relieved when I heard Lolo D’s heavy breathing and guessed no doubt that he had fallen asleep ahead of me, which made me at ease and relaxed.

RELATIVE (A Series)

PART I - APPREHENDED

PART II -QUESTIONS

PART III - A POEM

PART IV - VACATION

It really happened and I could not believe it. The person that I should trust just did things to my body that confused me more than before. In my young head, something was telling me that it was wrong but my body responded in a different way.

I remember a scene in the movie Calvento Files, where the lawyer questioned the rape victim on witness stand: ‘Sagutin mo ang tanong ko? Nag-enjoy ka ba?!’

 I felt anger after, not only for Lolo D but also to myself, because I did not hesitate and allowed it to happen. After that incident, all things came back to normal as if all was just a bad dream.  

I know that I should tell Lola B of the incident so that Lolo D will not attempt to do it again, but I was afraid that something bad might happen to Lola if I will tell. I am afraid of the scandal that it will bring to my family if it comes out. Our town is a small town and we practically know each other, my family will not be able to handle such gossip. I eventually decided to shut up. Nobody suspected that something wrong happened between Lolo D and I, because I acted normal, in home and school.   

Then one night, while having our dinner, Lolo D asked for permission to my Lola if he could bring me to their province in the north for three days because he will get the payment for the farm they sold. Lola B agreed immediately adding that I will have the chance to see the house where Lolo E grew up and could enjoy the last few weeks of summer vacation.

I was speechless and had no choice but to eventually agree with the idea with the hope that nothing “wrong” will happen during that vacation. We will live after lunch the next day. I could not sleep that night and tried not to be excited for the trip. I was awaken by Lola B’s combination of continuous knock on my door and loud voice urging me to wake up and fixed myself for the long travel.

Before we left, Lola reminded me that I should be a good boy and follow everything that Lolo D will tell and ask of me. I slept throughout the four-hour drive going the Lolo D’s province. When the occasional road bumps woke me up, I’ll catch Lolo D looking at me with a devilish grin while humming some old tunes. I’ll give a forced smile, close my eyes and try to go back to sleep drowning myself to the sounds of the wind and passing tricycles and other vehicles.

We arrived at our destination before dark, Lolo D’s family welcomed us, and after the usual pleasantries, his sister in law asked one of his sons to help me bring our things in the second floor and show us our room while the rest of the family prepare for dinner and Lolo D talked business with his brother. The house was an old two-story Spanish type ‘bahay na bato’. The first floor was obviously a big room that were divided into several rooms occupied by the family of Lolo D’s younger brother, while nobody occupied the second floor with as small receiving room going to the dining room and kitchen. It has two rooms but Lolo D told his nephew that we would be occupying the big room, as we will be staying for only two days. All in that room was big: bed, windows, cabinet, lamps, and religious icons that made me feel small. Alone in that room I was still convincing myself that nothing will happen in this trip unless I allowed it again to happen. In my little naïve mind I was planning my moves when I heard Lolo D calling me for dinner.

RELATIVE (A Series)

PART I - APPREHENDED

PART II -QUESTIONS

PART III - A POEM

IN MY ROOM

Am I to blame

Of the things that took place

In my room that day

Confused of what I felt

And still feeling right now

In my room that day

Pleasure and gratification

I felt without hesitation

In my room that day

Guilt and shameful reaction

Lust out of proportion

In my room that day

Anger, hatred, confusion

Am I to blame to what happened

In my room that day

I wrote this poem, when I was in Second Year High School after our class had our recollection where the speaker talked about abuses.