Sige na pindot na!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Household Help

End of drama. Let us go back on thinking happy and naughty thoughts. choz!


I was inspired by a blog I follow, they call her Ms. Chuniverse, I call her DOÑA CHUNI! She (she na talaga) puts the fun in funny. Idol ka talaga teh!

Eniweys hayweys..Doña Chuni has found a new abode and as my house warming gifts to her I plan to hire the following household help  :


                                                         The Gardener

                                          The House Boy


                                           The Labandero

and a one-year-service of a dance instructor for her recreations..

so...ok na ba sa iyo toits Doña Chuni?yun e kung wala pa...


According to surveys, sexual abuse can happen to anybody whatever status you have in life. Most of the time children and adolescents fell prey to manipulative persons who usually are close to them or their families. In the Philippines, if sexual or physical abuse happens with one of their family members, they tend to keep quiet about it fearing of scandalous gossip that spreads like wildfire, which adds insult to injury to the hapless victim.

What happens to the victim?

He or she is left to take care of him/herself, figure out how they can survive alone and answer questions like, “What was that sexual experience really about?” may be the most basic, which could take a while to sort out. It implies other questions, like:
  • Was the other person in a position of power or authority over me?
  • Was I manipulated into doing sexual things, or into believing I wanted to, even when I really didn’t?
  • Did sexual activity change what had been a positive relationship into one that involved secrecy and shame?
  • Was the other person using me and not really considering my experience or my needs?
  • Did the other person take advantage of vulnerabilities I had at the time – feeling isolated and lonely, feeling excited and curious but ignorant about sex?
Being a victim myself, who at first could not talk to anybody because of fear, anger, sadness, shame and guilt, found myself suppressing it that led me to isolation and made me think that the only way out is to end my life. In my case feeling guilty became the heaviest cross I have to bear, because I later found out that for men who had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as boys, there can be extreme guilt about ways they responded to sexual experiences and the people involved because of the following reasons: 

  • Not saying ‘no’ or physically resisting.
  • Letting’ another person take advantage of their sexual ignorance and curiosity.
  • Becoming sexually aroused or experiencing sexual pleasure, even when they didn’t want or like what was happening.
  • Having engaged in sexual activity with other children, even if they were manipulated or forced by others.
  • Not protecting a brother, sister, friend, or other child from someone doing the same things to them.

And in my journey to find answers that could help reconcile the things in my life I found people who can listen, understand and sympathize with me and help me understand that: 
  • "It is not now, nor has it ever been your fault!"
  • Sexual abuse in any form is never the fault of a child or teenager.
  • There is nothing you could possibly say, do, infer, ask for, or initiate that can remove the responsibility every adult has to protect and nurture children and teenagers.
  • Despite any instruction from anyone that has abused you, protected your abuser, encouraged you to keep silent, or in any way kept the fact of your being a victim to a vile criminal act from those that can help you, realize your life and your future is not theirs to manipulate or control.
  • You may feel afraid, alone, and wondering what to do or where to go. There are numerous resources that can help me cope up. 

I was lucky to find and meet these people.

Finally, to men out there who are/were a victim of sexual abuse, I encourage you to be not afraid and reach out to someone you can trust such as a teacher, relative, a friend’s family, school counselors, local law enforcement and social service agencies.
                            You are not alone and we are here to help you

Monday, May 30, 2011


I have a normal life, except for the fact that I was sexually abused several times. It is only when I decided to write about it through this blog that I researched about this topic. I have never talked about my ordeals to any doctor or professional practitioner, just with a few trusted friends. I had the courage to tell the abuse for the first time to a male best friend in High School who comforted me with a story about Lola B asking him to take care and help me whenever I needed somebody to talk with. I never thought that she knew what I was going through then and never dared to tell it to her because I don’t what her to get hurt of the truth against Lolo D, but I guess all the time she knew.

I made the research to answer some questions that I started to ask after I first talked about it with a friend:

Did the sexual abuse traumatize me?
Did the sexual abuse effect me as a person?
Did it affect my sexual orientation ore preference?
Why did I feel that I enjoyed it and sometimes look forward on it to happen again?

In the research that I made on both Psychological and Medical websites, I learn of the following facts:

 "If you have been sexually abused, you are not alone. One out of three girls, and one out of seven boys, is sexually abused by the time they reach the age of eighteen." (Bass and Davis, 1988, p. 20) There is now an evolving definition of sexual abuse that takes into consideration the betrayal of trust and the power imbalance in these one-sided relationships. One such definition is: "the imposition of sexually inappropriate acts, or acts with sexual overtones ... by one or more persons who derive authority through ongoing emotional bonding with that child." (Blume, 1990, p. 4) This definition expands the traditional definition of sexual abuse by anyone who has authority or power over the child. This definition of incest includes as perpetrators: immediate/extended family members, babysitters, school teachers, scout masters, priests/ministers, etc. "Incest between an adult and a related child or adolescent is now recognized as the most prevalent form of child sexual abuse and as one with great potential for damage to the child". (Courtois, 1988, p. 12)

In the Finkelhor study, "Boys' experiences are somewhat different from girls'. They are primarily homosexual (experiences), and they less often involve family members. However, boys do seem to be victims of force and coercion just as often as girls are. Both girls and boys report that in over half the incidents some form of coercion was used." (Finkelhor, 1979, p. 143)

Many people erroneously believe that child victims of sexual abuse are always traumatized by the abuse, and overtly angry with the offender. Sometimes this could not be farther from the truth. A study made with both adult men and women who have been sexually abused as children, stated that they were not traumatized, nor did they want the offender to be incarcerated. Did the sexual abuse affect them? Of course, the study concluded, just not in a traumatic way. The abuse may have affected their boundaries, sexual interests and behaviors, trust, and sexual orientation; however, it did not traumatize them. What may traumatize them, however, is the reaction from others. For instance, if the child’s mother caught the child and offender rightfully so, goes ballistic. Within minutes, the police arrive and take the child away. In a few hours, the child is being interviewed by child protective service workers, who may be acting like something traumatic, happened. The child will then interpret the entire situation as traumatic, even if the child did not interpret the abuse, at the time, as traumatic.

The study further states that a very high degree of psychological damage can occur if the offender makes the victim feel physical pleasure during the offense(s). This will produce a level of guilt and shame that is very powerful. Moreover, the victim is less likely to disclose the abuse, and if he or she does, they are very likely to minimize it. This would be because the victim may feel partly to blame for the abuse because they experienced pleasure (this is a grooming technique). A doctor treated countless victims who, after the abuse was revealed (either through someone observing, or indirectly), did not disclose the full extent. They fear they will get in trouble for not telling themselves, and fear and shame because they experienced physical pleasure. As the victims grow older, they may be unable to process the abuse, and continue to blame both themselves as well as the offender. The shame produced can be so intense as to create suicidal idealization, a loss of "self", and self-destructive behaviors.

Victims of child sexual abuse can go on to lead normal, healthy lives. They can learn to let go of the pain, and to increase their self-awareness of how the abuse affected them. Sometimes it takes the right therapist, just the right book, or even just time.

In a study of what does a victim of sexual abuse feel, they came up with the following conclusions:
· Victims report feeling very alone with the experience of abuse. Often they are afraid of telling, because of fear of retribution or the consequences for the family.
· Victims frequently feel they will not be believed or taken seriously if they tell of what has happened, and this fear can be confirmed when they do try to raise the matter.
· Victims frequently feel guilty. The abuser may suggest they are to blame for the abuse or they may take responsibility upon themselves. Children naturally tend to assume responsibility for events that are not of their making, and this is particularly true in the case of abuse. The guilt is increased if the child has found any aspect of the abuse gratifying.

The long term effects of sexual abuse are varied. Here are some that a person might experience.

-Weight gain
. When someone is sexually abused, there is often an inner desire to become invisible to others as a means of keeping oneself from getting hurt again. By gaining weight, a person puts a barrier between himself and the outside world. Deep inside there is a belief that if there is enough weight gain, nobody will.

People who have suffered sexual abuse will often have very low self-esteem. Not only that, there is a belief deep down that the only thing they have of value to offer anyone is their sexuality. This can be especially true if a family member sexually abused them. They begin to feel that if their own family cannot love them for anything other than sex, then that must be the only thing of value.

Another long-term effect of sexual abuse is that victims will often develop an addictive personality. Many develop food addictions, which go hand in hand with their underlying comfort at gaining weight, which serves as a protective barrier. Others develop addictions to drugs or alcohol as a means to escape the pain they still feel deep inside.

-Co-dependency. Sexual abuse victims suffer from such low self-esteem that very often they will not trust their decisions about anything. As a result, they willing give up control to others. They are easily led into doing things, whether they really agree with doing them or not.

Sometimes victims turn into abusers. This is common if victims grow up in families where sexual abuse is the "norm". If it is so ingrained in them, there is a possibility they may repeat the pattern because it is all they have ever known.

-No interest in sex.
Some victims of sexual abuse grow up and want nothing at all to do with sex. They are so traumatized by their experiences of the past that they totally shut down their sexuality.

Knowing the long-term effects of sexual abuse is important for victims because it is very easy for them to believe they are no longer affected. It is very easy to live in denial when some of these problems are affecting one's day-to-day life. By recognizing the symptoms and realizing where they may be coming from, victims will be taking the first step toward healing. 
Discovering these things gave me a clearer picture about myself, which I did not understand before. The questions in my mind have answers after all. There is light at the end of the tunnel, all I have to do is to go to that light and embrace it with true forgiveness that gives healing and total peace of mind.  


Sunday, May 29, 2011


As Ben was walking away after informing me of Lolo D’s whereabouts, I couldn’t help but notice his well-built body. Ben is Lolo D’s nephew from his youngest brother that lives under the main house. He obviously came out of the shower when I saw him over the window and didn’t notice him as I’m noticing him then when he helped me carry our bags in our room. As he entered the door, I noticed the spaces on the wooden floor where I could see the rooms downstairs. I got down on all four on the floor and followed Ben what he was doing and saw him faced the mirror and combed his hair, I realized he was fairly handsome with his curly short hair and almost perfect pointed nose. Then he proceeded on going to what I guessed his room, which was directly under the receiving room.  I felt excited in a different way.

Saturday, May 28, 2011


After dinner, I immediately excused myself and went up the second floor straight to our room. I remember I was pacing the room, thinking of the things that might happen when Lolo D comes in that big room.  After changing my clothes and fixing the bed, I closed my eyes and I laid on that bed sweating trying to figure out what I’m going to do and my mind began to race. I couldn't sleep and prayed that it be morning soon so we can go home and things would be different.

I was just dozing off when I heard heavy footsteps coming towards our room, I felt nervous but fake sleep when the door opened and felt the wind shift and a cool breeze began to blow inside the room and then heard Lolo D calling my name on which I did not respond. I then felt that he climbed the bed and lay beside me, but unlike before, I felt different. I felt scared, really scared that my body started to tremble. I tried to stop it but it continued, I guess Lolo D felt it that he covered my body with a blanket and turned his back on me. I felt relieved when I heard Lolo D’s heavy breathing and guessed no doubt that he had fallen asleep ahead of me, which made me at ease and relaxed.

Friday, May 27, 2011



It really happened and I could not believe it. The person that I should trust just did things to my body that confused me more than before. In my young head, something was telling me that it was wrong but my body responded in a different way.

I remember a scene in the movie Calvento Files, where the lawyer questioned the rape victim on witness stand: ‘Sagutin mo ang tanong ko? Nag-enjoy ka ba?!’

 I felt anger after, not only for Lolo D but also to myself, because I did not hesitate and allowed it to happen. After that incident, all things came back to normal as if all was just a bad dream.  

I know that I should tell Lola B of the incident so that Lolo D will not attempt to do it again, but I was afraid that something bad might happen to Lola if I will tell. I am afraid of the scandal that it will bring to my family if it comes out. Our town is a small town and we practically know each other, my family will not be able to handle such gossip. I eventually decided to shut up. Nobody suspected that something wrong happened between Lolo D and I, because I acted normal, in home and school.   

Then one night, while having our dinner, Lolo D asked for permission to my Lola if he could bring me to their province in the north for three days because he will get the payment for the farm they sold. Lola B agreed immediately adding that I will have the chance to see the house where Lolo E grew up and could enjoy the last few weeks of summer vacation.

I was speechless and had no choice but to eventually agree with the idea with the hope that nothing “wrong” will happen during that vacation. We will live after lunch the next day. I could not sleep that night and tried not to be excited for the trip. I was awaken by Lola B’s combination of continuous knock on my door and loud voice urging me to wake up and fixed myself for the long travel.

Before we left, Lola reminded me that I should be a good boy and follow everything that Lolo D will tell and ask of me. I slept throughout the four-hour drive going the Lolo D’s province. When the occasional road bumps woke me up, I’ll catch Lolo D looking at me with a devilish grin while humming some old tunes. I’ll give a forced smile, close my eyes and try to go back to sleep drowning myself to the sounds of the wind and passing tricycles and other vehicles.

We arrived at our destination before dark, Lolo D’s family welcomed us, and after the usual pleasantries, his sister in law asked one of his sons to help me bring our things in the second floor and show us our room while the rest of the family prepare for dinner and Lolo D talked business with his brother. The house was an old two-story Spanish type ‘bahay na bato’. The first floor was obviously a big room that were divided into several rooms occupied by the family of Lolo D’s younger brother, while nobody occupied the second floor with as small receiving room going to the dining room and kitchen. It has two rooms but Lolo D told his nephew that we would be occupying the big room, as we will be staying for only two days. All in that room was big: bed, windows, cabinet, lamps, and religious icons that made me feel small. Alone in that room I was still convincing myself that nothing will happen in this trip unless I allowed it again to happen. In my little naïve mind I was planning my moves when I heard Lolo D calling me for dinner.

Thursday, May 26, 2011



Am I to blame

Of the things that took place

In my room that day

Confused of what I felt

And still feeling right now

In my room that day

Pleasure and gratification

I felt without hesitation

In my room that day

Guilt and shameful reaction

Lust out of proportion

In my room that day

Anger, hatred, confusion

Am I to blame to what happened

In my room that day

I wrote this poem, when I was in Second Year High School after our class had our recollection where the speaker talked about abuses.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011




"Do you know how to kiss? Where are you hiding your stash of porn? I thought you Lola burned them. Is it big already? Tell me, it will be just between the two of us, our little secret."

I could not talk. My body became stiff like a log and I became more embarrass of the questions asked of me while trying to keep my eyes to a neutral place on the floor.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011



I decided to write my story not because I want to titillate the imaginative libido of my fellow bloggers.

I decided to share my story because I believe that my story is not mine alone and there is somebody there who was or is in the same predicament and by telling my story I could be helping him/her the same way I think I’ll be helping myself.

In my early blog, I shared my admiration for my grandmother (Lola B) who together with her husband, Lolo E, became my surrogate parents. They loved me like their own and I will be eternally grateful for the love they gave me. However, like a line of a song, no good things ever lasts, I was ten years old when my grandfather died of heart attack, he was only fifty years old. We were all devastated by his passing especially Lola B but good for us Lolo E has a twin brother, Lolo D, that looks exactly like him which make our loss easy to bear.

Like Lolo E, Lolo D worked in the medical profession. He was a retired military nurse that was part of the contingent sent by the Philippine Government during the Vietnam War. Both Lolo E and Lolo D looks like the late movie star Jaime dela Rosa, tall, meztiso, curly hair and well built body, but despite the good looks, Lolo D never married. I once asked my Lola why lolo D is still single, she said that the reason behind it was that a girl he loved so much broke his heart, and from then on devoted his life in helping his twin manage their little farm, where he built a comfortable bachelor pad. Aside from being a chain smoker and occasional drinker, Lolo E is relatively a plain and simple person, unlike his sociable twin brother, Lolo E, a member of almost all civic and religious organizations and knows every person in our town that made our Mayor appoint him as Municipal Doctor.

Lolo D became the de facto head of the family since Lolo E died and moved in one of the extra rooms of our house in the Poblacion. It was not too hard for me to be close with Lolo D; I was the designated delivery boy of foods to his house whenever there are gatherings in our house, which gives more time to spend playing with my friends who lives near his house.

A month after the death of Lolo E, everything returned normal in our house, maybe because of Lolo D’s presence. I also returned on my normal routine of being the “crown prince” of the house, except for the occasional chores in the house.

Every weekend and holidays, I sleep in like any young boys and because my room is on the second floor, I can do my favorite pastime: reading porn while jacking off.

One time because of my foolishness I forgot to lock my door and because my bed was facing the other side I didn’t notice that Lolo D was already watching me doing my thing. I just noticed it when I heard his voice asking me what I was doing. Embarrassed, I immediately fixed myself, sat down on the side of my bed, and waited for Lolo D to say something. Lolo D moved slowly towards me, sat beside me, began to laugh while saying that it was all right and I don’t have to be embarrass because it is but normal for a young boy like me to do such things, then he started asking me things about what I know.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


I promised that I will write about it and could have written about it easily, but something in me is preventing me from doing it. 

Why am I struggling? Are there things that should be left unsaid and just be forgotten like a horrible nightmare?


Friday, May 20, 2011


Who is the cutest?

*ginaya ko lang po ito..natuwa kasi ako..peace!

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Warning: This will be a long one, so please hang on..

For the longest time, educating our youth about sex is still debatable. On the side of the “Anti” Group, they tell us that by doing so we will only ‘pollute’ our children’s minds and end up f*cking the next person they meet. They fear that their raging hormones will overshadow the values that our ancestors have instilled in us if we will teach them about sex. 

On the other hand, the “Pro” Group say that educating our youth about sex will teach them what to do and preserve the same treasured values of our ancestors.

Let us take for example the subject of masturbation. In an article, of a certain website it says that many experts and studies prove that masturbation is more frequently enjoyed during the teenage years than any other period in our lives. This is mostly due to the strong fluctuation of hormones that always come along with puberty. The act of masturbation can actually alleviate the strain of this growing up build up as a necessary part of one’s development. In short, if knowledge of oneself is the beginning of wisdom, ergo, masturbation makes us wise.(ipagpalitan talaga!)

However, the wisest sages in the world would not necessarily agree with us. Majority of the major religions in the world say that lust or libido, those heart-palpitating and blood-rushing junctions that nature equips us with, is bad. Masturbation is the fulfillment and the prelude to lust in all its many forms, thus it is bad at best and sinful at worst. Clearly, the world is not too kind on masturbation inspite of the many benefits that we can get from it.

If you belong to one of these major religions in the world, say, you are a Catholic or Christian, you will be taught, “masturbation is a seed wasted,” as if you won’t producing more than enough in your lifetime. If you happen to be a Mormon, then you will be taught that your body is a temple, a holy shrine, and that masturbation is a desecration of such sacredness. However, wherever religion you may be, at the end of the line, if you are religious, masturbation is wrong. Moreover, even if you are not that zealous about your religion, the contemporary perspective about our friend masturbation is still grounded on these early ideologies. What’s more, if we are cooped up in an environment where majority of the world’s population still believe in some sort of an organized religion.

However, contrary to these beliefs, teen masturbation is very prevalent in our world today even if they are spent in the cloisters on individual privacy. Our generation is even more exposed to such practice because other that the fact that the observance of moral codes have somewhat collectively loosen, our priorities have also shifted. Before, people got married at such a young age for the lack of better things to do. Today, society does not pressure us to get married until we can somewhat stand in our own feet as we strive to finish school and have a stable job.

With this turn of events, teens must be able to control or at least temper down their sexual desires for an even longer period. And this has become a strong social trend especially since it helps teens in their growing up and in exploring more their identity and sexuality.


1. Masturbation is not evil, dirty or harmful – it will not make you go blind, drive you insane, turn you in to a pervert, stunt your growth, give you an STD, make you sterile or get you Pregnant.

2. Both guys and girls masturbate; it is a normal and healthy part of sexual development.

3. Masturbation is a very personal thing and should not be done in public places or around people who are not willing partners (think safer sex activity).

4. You are normal if you masturbate, normal if you wonder about it but don’t do it, and normal if you never give it a second thought and don’t do it – it is one of the few things in life that is “normal if you do and normal if you don’t”.

5. Masturbation may make sexual intercourse more enjoyable because you will already know what it takes to “please you”.

6. Masturbation alleviates stress and releases endorphins (the pleasure hormones) in to your system, making you more relaxed.

Now back on sex education, my final take on it:

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


While our lawmakers are debating about the RH Bill, less than a month from now millions of our youth will be trooping back to school. Enrollment is still ongoing for most of the schools most specially the private schools. In our small town with a population of forty-five thousand, we have at least six private schools and two National High Schools, naalala ko nga yung joke na if you want to put up a business that will make you rich, then put up your own school or religious sect. In fairness with the school that I teach, kahit private ito, mababa pa rin ang tuition, with twenty thousand pesos, bayad ka na for one school year which includes a complete set of books! May government subsidy pa on the side yan mga mader! San ka pa..(sipsip!)

However, in spite of the facts there are still who cannot pay the full amount and owe back accounts amounting to more than twenty thousand. Now that it is enrollment time again, parents will do anything so their children will have a good education they deserve. Just the other day, I was in Cebuana Lhuillier to send my payment for some ka-ekekan I bought, a man greeted me and inquired about our school’s enrolment  and his child (it seems that he sends his child in our school, sa totoo lang di ko tanda yung anak nya!). Then the woman in the counter called his name and gave him the money in exchange to the jewel that he pawned. Before going out of the shop, in a hush tone he said that he would be using the money for his child’s enrolment.

Honestly, parang kinurot ang puso ko sa insidenteng iyon. It is unfortunate that some children take their parents’ sacrifices for granted and instead of good grades, puro heartaches and headaches ang isinusukli nila sa mga sakripisyong ito.

I only have one wish for this coming school year: may it be a stress-free year! Ching! Asa pa talaga ang lolah mo!
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