I have a normal life, except for the fact that I was sexually abused several times. It is only when I decided to write about it through this blog that I researched about this topic. I have never talked about my ordeals to any doctor or professional practitioner, just with a few trusted friends. I had the courage to tell the abuse for the first time to a male best friend in High School who comforted me with a story about Lola B asking him to take care and help me whenever I needed somebody to talk with. I never thought that she knew what I was going through then and never dared to tell it to her because I don’t what her to get hurt of the truth against Lolo D, but I guess all the time she knew.
I made the research to answer some questions that I started to ask after I first talked about it with a friend:
Did the sexual abuse traumatize me?
Did the sexual abuse effect me as a person?
Did it affect my sexual orientation ore preference?
Why did I feel that I enjoyed it and sometimes look forward on it to happen again?
In the research that I made on both Psychological and Medical websites, I learn of the following facts:
"If you have been sexually abused, you are not alone. One out of three girls, and one out of seven boys, is sexually abused by the time they reach the age of eighteen." (Bass and Davis, 1988, p. 20) There is now an evolving definition of sexual abuse that takes into consideration the betrayal of trust and the power imbalance in these one-sided relationships. One such definition is: "the imposition of sexually inappropriate acts, or acts with sexual overtones ... by one or more persons who derive authority through ongoing emotional bonding with that child." (Blume, 1990, p. 4) This definition expands the traditional definition of sexual abuse by anyone who has authority or power over the child. This definition of incest includes as perpetrators: immediate/extended family members, babysitters, school teachers, scout masters, priests/ministers, etc. "Incest between an adult and a related child or adolescent is now recognized as the most prevalent form of child sexual abuse and as one with great potential for damage to the child". (Courtois, 1988, p. 12)
In the Finkelhor study, "Boys' experiences are somewhat different from girls'. They are primarily homosexual (experiences), and they less often involve family members. However, boys do seem to be victims of force and coercion just as often as girls are. Both girls and boys report that in over half the incidents some form of coercion was used." (Finkelhor, 1979, p. 143)
Many people erroneously believe that child victims of sexual abuse are always traumatized by the abuse, and overtly angry with the offender. Sometimes this could not be farther from the truth. A study made with both adult men and women who have been sexually abused as children, stated that they were not traumatized, nor did they want the offender to be incarcerated. Did the sexual abuse affect them? Of course, the study concluded, just not in a traumatic way. The abuse may have affected their boundaries, sexual interests and behaviors, trust, and sexual orientation; however, it did not traumatize them. What may traumatize them, however, is the reaction from others. For instance, if the child’s mother caught the child and offender rightfully so, goes ballistic. Within minutes, the police arrive and take the child away. In a few hours, the child is being interviewed by child protective service workers, who may be acting like something traumatic, happened. The child will then interpret the entire situation as traumatic, even if the child did not interpret the abuse, at the time, as traumatic.
The study further states that a very high degree of psychological damage can occur if the offender makes the victim feel physical pleasure during the offense(s). This will produce a level of guilt and shame that is very powerful. Moreover, the victim is less likely to disclose the abuse, and if he or she does, they are very likely to minimize it. This would be because the victim may feel partly to blame for the abuse because they experienced pleasure (this is a grooming technique). A doctor treated countless victims who, after the abuse was revealed (either through someone observing, or indirectly), did not disclose the full extent. They fear they will get in trouble for not telling themselves, and fear and shame because they experienced physical pleasure. As the victims grow older, they may be unable to process the abuse, and continue to blame both themselves as well as the offender. The shame produced can be so intense as to create suicidal idealization, a loss of "self", and self-destructive behaviors.
Victims of child sexual abuse can go on to lead normal, healthy lives. They can learn to let go of the pain, and to increase their self-awareness of how the abuse affected them. Sometimes it takes the right therapist, just the right book, or even just time.
In a study of what does a victim of sexual abuse feel, they came up with the following conclusions:
· Victims report feeling very alone with the experience of abuse. Often they are afraid of telling, because of fear of retribution or the consequences for the family.
· Victims frequently feel they will not be believed or taken seriously if they tell of what has happened, and this fear can be confirmed when they do try to raise the matter.
· Victims frequently feel guilty. The abuser may suggest they are to blame for the abuse or they may take responsibility upon themselves. Children naturally tend to assume responsibility for events that are not of their making, and this is particularly true in the case of abuse. The guilt is increased if the child has found any aspect of the abuse gratifying.
The long term effects of sexual abuse are varied. Here are some that a person might experience.
-Weight gain. When someone is sexually abused, there is often an inner desire to become invisible to others as a means of keeping oneself from getting hurt again. By gaining weight, a person puts a barrier between himself and the outside world. Deep inside there is a belief that if there is enough weight gain, nobody will.
-Promiscuity. People who have suffered sexual abuse will often have very low self-esteem. Not only that, there is a belief deep down that the only thing they have of value to offer anyone is their sexuality. This can be especially true if a family member sexually abused them. They begin to feel that if their own family cannot love them for anything other than sex, then that must be the only thing of value.
-Addictions. Another long-term effect of sexual abuse is that victims will often develop an addictive personality. Many develop food addictions, which go hand in hand with their underlying comfort at gaining weight, which serves as a protective barrier. Others develop addictions to drugs or alcohol as a means to escape the pain they still feel deep inside.
-Co-dependency. Sexual abuse victims suffer from such low self-esteem that very often they will not trust their decisions about anything. As a result, they willing give up control to others. They are easily led into doing things, whether they really agree with doing them or not.
-Abuse. Sometimes victims turn into abusers. This is common if victims grow up in families where sexual abuse is the "norm". If it is so ingrained in them, there is a possibility they may repeat the pattern because it is all they have ever known.
-No interest in sex. Some victims of sexual abuse grow up and want nothing at all to do with sex. They are so traumatized by their experiences of the past that they totally shut down their sexuality.
Knowing the long-term effects of sexual abuse is important for victims because it is very easy for them to believe they are no longer affected. It is very easy to live in denial when some of these problems are affecting one's day-to-day life. By recognizing the symptoms and realizing where they may be coming from, victims will be taking the first step toward healing. 
Discovering these things gave me a clearer picture about myself, which I did not understand before. The questions in my mind have answers after all. There is light at the end of the tunnel, all I have to do is to go to that light and embrace it with true forgiveness that gives healing and total peace of mind.
I PRIME MORALES, AND I AM A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND THIS IS MY STORY.
